A girl that I know, about as well as you know anyone that isn’t a close friend, made an announcement on Facebook the other day. Her son had been diagnosed with a significant, life-altering illness about six month previous, and they were seeking some expert advice. She asked for prayers.
Tonight, New Year’s Eve, she posted a picture of her kids at the beach and mentioned that it was from “before.”
I remember the days when my life was divided by before and after. When Charlie was just a tiny baby I would look at picture of my me and my husband and would think “that was before.”
Before I had a disabled child.
Before I knew the scent of a hospital so intimately.
Before I knew that babies died and not just sometimes–but often.
That was “before Katy” and I would look at her in pictures and would envy her. She had no idea that one day her life would be so different.
I wanted to send the Facebook girl an email, but I didn’t. Wanted to reach out, but for whatever reason I didn’t.
I wanted to tell her that one day there were be a life where there’s no before and after. Well, maybe not NO before and after, but a day where you realize that your life hasn’t been divided into two pieces. You are you–there aren’t two versions. One day you won’t look at pictures and think of the “before” you. It will just be you. You with a life that’s had ups and downs, and goddamn left turns, but still you. You that loves, and sleeps, and bitches and moans, and counts your blessings.
I don’t know when, but one day you won’t envy the “before” you, but will realize that she was just you a little earlier in the journey.
Wishing a little peace to everyone still in two pieces–may you feel whole again one day soon.