August was good for quite some time and then suddenly, it feels, he was not fine.
It started with a nasty ear infection, and despite having ear tubes, it spread to both ears and to his eyes, and nose. I had no choice but to put him on antibiotics.
Before we even started the antibiotics, some of his old, terrible behaviors had returned: he hasn’t spun in months and suddenly he was spinning again. My heart hurt.
The antibiotic has not really helped. Well, the ear infection seems to be gone and the spinning has stopped, but he looks terrible. The dark circles are back under his eyes. He’s anxious and overly-excited. At school he squirreled himself into a corner and it took three agonizing days for me to realize he was scared of a friggin’ ceiling fan in the room next door to his.
And as I was turning all of this over in my mind, trying to figure out what my next move would be I though of the word “prostrate.”
Parenthood. Motherhood. It will break you. It will make you realize that all the control you think you have is just an illusion. If you don’t pray, I honestly have no idea how you make it through.
And right now I’m feeling a little bit like that. I’m feeling flattened by whatever has happened to August. Has he accidentally gotten gluten? he’s sure acting like it. Has he developed a new allergy? Have the antibiotics added some new layer to his stomach issues? Is this a setback or has something happened?
And when you’re flat, you pray. Or at least I do. And I ask God to help me out, or least help my kid because this thing is bigger than I am. Or bigger than I can handle on my own.
So for one of these reasons I find myself thinking about the word “prostrate” a lot. About lying yourself down and just letting things pass. Or about admitting that something is bigger than you are.
Note: I wrote this on Friday. We discontinued the antibiotic and started a probiotic and he seems to be doing better.