So, still pregnant. Just a few days left, though, so this is the home-stretch. One of the strange things about pregnancy is the dreams. I remember being pregnant with Charlie and imagining that a lion was trying to steal my baby. You know, because lions are a real issue in Central Arkansas. Luckily, in my dream my husband was able to chase the lion down and rescue the baby.
Well, the other night I had one of those bizarre dreams. In it, Hubby and I were some sort of outlaw couple a la Bonnie and Clyde and we were escaping through the desert. We were holed up in some hotel room and Hubby returned and he didn’t have Charlie with him. I looked at him and asked, “where’s Charlie?” but in my heart I knew that he had killed him. Again, this is a weird pregnancy dream, not reality! The twins didn’t exist at all in this dream. We were on the run and taking Charlie with us was a bad idea. I could picture Hubby digging the hole and my heart sank.
At that exact moment one of my twins started crying and I rejoined reality. You know how there’s a split second when you wake up from a dream and you’re not exactly sure what’s real and what isn’t? Well in that moment I sat up and thought, “just put me in the hole with him. There’s no other reason to live.” I meant it.
I think there’s a great misconception out there that it’s a kind of reprieve when a child with special needs passes away. That somewhere in their hearts, parents breathe out. I don’t think that’s true. There might be some peace if the death brings the end to a lot of suffering, but I can’t imagine that the loss of the child is ever a cause for relief–not even a child with complex medical needs.
Charlie and I have worked together, side-by-side, towards so many goals. We have accomplished much as a team. I know him better than I have ever known another human being. His good days are my good days and I sleep uneasy if he’s having a tough time. Right now, as I type this, I can see him sleeping in his bed and my heart is full. Life without him is unfathomable.