Might As Well

So, still pregnant. Just a few days left, though, so this is the home-stretch. One of the strange things about pregnancy is the dreams. I remember being pregnant with Charlie and imagining that a lion was trying to steal my baby. You know, because lions are a real issue in Central Arkansas. Luckily, in my dream my husband was able to chase the lion down and rescue the baby.

Well, the other night I had one of those bizarre dreams. In it, Hubby and I were some sort of outlaw couple a la Bonnie and Clyde and we were escaping through the desert. We were holed up in some hotel room and Hubby returned and he didn’t have Charlie with him. I looked at him and asked, “where’s Charlie?” but in my heart I knew that he had killed him. Again, this is a weird pregnancy dream, not reality! The twins didn’t exist at all in this dream. We were on the run and taking Charlie with us was a bad idea. I could picture Hubby digging the hole and my heart sank.

boy in high chair listening to iPad and clapping

Must be a good song.

At that exact moment one of my twins started crying and I rejoined reality. You know how there’s a split second when you wake up from a dream and you’re not exactly sure what’s real and what isn’t? Well in that moment I sat up and thought, “just put me in the hole with him. There’s no other reason to live.” I meant it.

I think there’s a great misconception out there that it’s a kind of reprieve when a child with special needs passes away. That somewhere in their hearts, parents breathe out. I don’t think that’s true. There might be some peace if the death brings the end to a lot of suffering, but I can’t imagine that the loss of the child is ever a cause for relief–not even a child with complex medical needs.

Charlie and I have worked together, side-by-side, towards so many goals. We have accomplished much as a team. I know him better than I have ever known another human being. His good days are my good days and I sleep uneasy if he’s having a tough time. Right now, as I type this, I can see him sleeping in his bed and my heart is full.  Life without him is unfathomable.

boy in high chair listening to music and smiling at the camera

Seriously, how could you resist this face?

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  1. Wonderful post :-)

  2. Kelly mrs. CPA says:

    I didn’t realize you were in central Arkansas! I’ve been reading for quite some time and had no idea you might be just around the corner!

  3. Baby time should be anytime now since I’m going on vacation. Pretty sure the twins came at a time I wasn’t near a computer, too! :) I can’t WAIT to “meet” the new little guy!!

  4. Karen P says:

    Congratulations Katy! Looks like June is a busy month for you. All the birthdays in June? Love to see all the pictures of your sweet boys.

    • Yes, Karen, all four boys will have June birthdays. I figure we’ll have one big birthday party and call it good.

  5. Dannette says:

    Such a great post! I can’t imagine life without our girl. Our journey may not look like a typical family journey, but I have to say it has been an incredible one and I am forever blessed.

  6. You child is your child, no matter what. I cannot imagine that it would hurt any less, such a ridiculous notion. And yes, you have both learned some much from each other. Amazing.

  7. Bugladynora says:

    I have been having crazy dreams too but I am not having a baby tomorrow! It is crazy for someone to think you would be better off without Charlie. Praying all goes smoothly with your new arrival.

  8. Andrea S says:

    Good luck with delivery and welcoming of your new baby! And congratulations!!

    I know what you mean about Charlie. Sometimes I have the thought, “I wonder why Phia survived?” because her initial survival felt miraculous, and I thought everything would be okay (it is, but just a different okay than I thought). However, my greatest fear in all the world is that she will die! I love having her here and as a part of our family. I don’t want to imagine a life without her. Despite all the challenges, she is a big part of my joy in life.

  9. That’s fantastic that you’re at term and everything is looking great, really happy for you :) My birthday is in June, it’s the best month in my opinion:) Hope you have a super birth and looking forward to seeing the photos of your new little one soon :) Love Mel xxx