Dignity Has Left the Building

Before I got pregnant, I was horrified by some of the things my friends would tell me about parenthood or pregnancy. Time and time again they would reassure me, “it’s not a big deal” and then describe some horror involving someone’s nether regions.

For the most part, they were right–certain things stop mattering when you’re pregnant. Other things fall by the wayside when you’re a parent. I know that I have never, ever discussed poop as much as I do now and I freely share details with my doctor that are just plain odd. It is what it is.

Last week, however, I managed to completely embarrass myself in a way I thought was pretty much impossible.

I started having contractions. I’ve never had contractions before, but this was definitely a tightening of my stomach occuring every four minutes or so. It went on for over an hour, ignored my big glasses of water and position changes, and finally I gave in and called the doctor.

The doctor was at one of his satellite offices, so they directed me to head over to Labor and Delivery to be monitored for a while. If you’ve ever been pregnant, than you know there’s a drill for these things: show up, pee in a cup, and lie down to be monitored.

In theory, none of these things should be hard.

My reality was a tad different.

I head into the bathroom to pee and that’s when things got bad.

There are approximately ten mazillion signs in the bathroom on HOW to pee in the cup. First this, then this, don’t touch this, stand on one leg and hop in a circle. It’s all a little overwhelming–especially if you’ve already pulled your pants down.

So there I am, faced with the oh-so-difficult task of peeing in a cup. Drug addicts and professional athletes around the world have completed this task with little or no effort. Heck, my husband had random drug tests ALL THE TIME at his last job–with someone watching, no less–and he still managed to get it done. Me? Not so much. I pee in the cup successfully, but with a ginormous belly in the way, I failed to notice when the cup was full. I actually didn’t notice a thing until the pee started to run down my arm.

Ew.

And all the while I have this list of instructions running through my head–don’t touch this, or this, or OH MY GOODNESS LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE! Ack! I finally give up, put the dang cup on the floor, in the process spilling even more pee. At this point there is literally a puddle on the floor.

I’m a grown woman, I have a nurse waiting for me to emerge with a neat cup o’pee and I have just left a puddle on the floor of a public restroom.

Awesome, no?

So, I get to work–I clean myself, I clean the outside of the cup, I clean the floor. There are a lot of paper towels involved.

And then I casually emerge and hand my cup to the nurse like nothing has happened. I may have lost a lot of my dignity when I became a mother, I’ve still got my pride.

 

small child riding a horse backwards

Completely forgot my camera, so all y'all get is this lousy iPhone picture

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Comments

  1. I know I shouldn’t be laughing at a fellow woman’s pain but even you have to admit that that’s funny LOL :) Where are my manners? My name is Nisha, I’m a 20-year-old South African-Indian who has Cerebral Palsy and I found your blog on Love That Max.

    • Lovely to meet you, Nisha! I have a dear old friend that has the same name.

      Please feel free to laugh–that’s the only good thing that comes out of a situation like this.

  2. You are hilarious – although I’m sure it was more horrifying than funny at the time.

    • Little of both. I just kept telling myself, “well, this will at least make a good story for the blog.”

  3. You have me in stitches this morning!! Hilarious! I love the way you retell this scenario!!

  4. Nobody tells you how hard it is to pee in a cup when you have a big belly in the way! Early on its no big deal, just part of the routine, but as your belly gross it turns into an Olympic sport!

    • I know! What’s weird is I don’t remember having this much trouble the first time–maybe this belly is shaped differently?

  5. You are cracking me up girl!!!! I so remember those days…huge with a twin pregnancy and trying to pee in a cup…definitely high up there on the difficulty level! Hope things otherwise are well…how many weeks are you now?

    • Well, Cary, just getting around to answer your question–it’s Friday and I am 32 weeks today–not too much further to go!

  6. I hate to admit this but I did just about the same thing. πŸ˜‰

  7. Been There Done That!! But I was preggos!!! But I’m mess so it was bound to happen.

  8. Doh!! Wasn’t preggos!! Geez Louise!! See. A MESS!

  9. Yeah, I can TOTALLY see that happening to me! There’s just some crap you can’t even make up.

  10. Where’s a people size funnel when you need it??

  11. HA HA HA!!! I remember when I first had to pee in the cup with my first pregnancy and I was like you, WHAT DO I DO FIRST?!?! I had NO idea it could be so confusing. Glad you still left the room with your pride in tact. πŸ˜‰

  12. Marlene Hunter says:

    stand on one leg and hop in a circle, that really made me laugh, personally I think the blood drawing is worse than the peeing in the cup, with my last son they drew more blood than I had, least it seemed that way, I use to call the people who drew my blood Drucula and tell them no one looks forward to seeing them, I was bad, then I would tell them I had to lay down to have my blood drawn or else I would faint, then they would find you a bed and treat you really good. Yes us Mother’s really do a lot to have a baby, but it’s always worth it, a miracle when you think about it.

    • They’ve taken a lot of blood and before I had Charlie, that would have freaked me out. These days I’m pretty blase about medical stuff–just do your worst is my motto.

      Babies are quite the miracle–can’t believe it myself and this is my second time around.

  13. This made me laugh out loud. Totally sounds like something I would do! Things are never dull with you, are they? haha

    • They are not, Dawn. I would not recommend spending time with me if you like things calm and collected–that is rarely the way things are.

  14. I never perfected the pee-in-a-cup thing during my pregnancies, either. But I have many other talents, as do you. :)

  15. Kristen says:

    With my last pregnancy, at the last doctor’s visit at 39wks, they handed me the same little cup they handed me during each of my prenatal visits. At that appointment though something snapped and I just handed it back saying, “yeah not going to happen.” The receptionist laughed and said that was the true test of being ready to deliver. Sure enough, my little one was born about 18 hours later.

    • That’s a great story! I haven’t yet gotten to the point where I refuse to do anything–I must not be ready yet.

  16. Ha ha! I so remember doing this.

    • I’m going to go ahead and declare it a milestone of pregnancy–right after second trimester and before delivery.

  17. Been there and done that…. and the paper towels…! It’s that Belly isn’t it.. lol! So happy for you xxx

  18. There is simply NO dignity in being pregnant, but on the up side, you get a free ride on all that because you ARE pregnant. OH how I miss that free ride, now all I have is excuses when something embarrassing happens like my 5yo pees on me, lol…