Even Cowgirls Get the Blues

I pride myself on many things. I know pride isn’t the best of emotions, but I’m being honest here.

I’m proud that I try to focus on the positive.

I’m proud that I haven’t allowed Charlie’s disability to make me bitter.

I’m proud that I have been able to see that his challenges and my challenges are not the same.

I’m proud that I moved past the “why me?” phase where I look at Charlie’s birth and life as some sort of punishment for things I have done.

But yesterday the doctor’s office called to confirm that I have been exposed to Fifth’s Disease and by the end of the day I knew that I had gotten it NOW as opposed to when I was a kid. I was coughing and sniffling; my eyes were watering.

If you don’t know, Fifth’s Disease is one of handful of childhood viruses that pregnant women are to avoid. Considered a mild illness, it can cause severe anemia in fetuses and has been linked to fetal death and miscarriage. Other possible complications include rapid heart rate and swelling of the body known as hydrops fetalis. It’s these details that pushed me over the edge. I already had a baby with rapid heart rate and hyrops. These same things eventually led to heart failure and the big, bad machine that made his brain bleed. I’ve learned first-hand that anything is possible when you get pregnant, but I was hoping to avoid a repeat of that lesson this time around. I know logically that there is a very small chance that these things could happen, but there are some things in life that it’s hard to be logical about.

So I cried–big, ugly sobs, the kind I haven’t seen in years. I  did the whole thing: the woe is me thing, the not again thing, the why me thing. I took my sweet time hating people on Facebook who have scads of healthy children, but still find plenty of time to complain about lousy service or having to go to work. I wondered how many of them know just how lucky they have it.

I cried. Cried til my nose was stuffy and my head hurt. Cried until I woke up my husband who stayed with me until there were no more tears.

And then I slept. I slept hard and delighted as the babies moved around inside of me.

Today I am better. Not one hundred percent, but better, and tomorrow I’ll a couple more points.

 

boy in high chair eating a piece of bread

Still not completely in love with his "big boy" haircut

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Comments

  1. ((hugs)) you’re in my prayers, mama

  2. You are in my thoughts and prayers

  3. I am loving the big boy haircut! He looks so big. What a cutie.
    I am glad you got to let it all out. I will be praying for you and your protection from this illness.

  4. when I saw the thumbnail of this pic on my facebook wall, I thought, “who’s kid does Katy have on her blog?” LOL
    Charlie does look like such a big boy!!!!! Adorable.

    I’m sorry you had a bad day….but, I’m glad your hubby was there for you!

    I cried myself to sleep last night, too. When Eli’s sick, I get a litle over-emotional. I think sleep deprivation does that to me.

    HUGS to you!
    Amy

  5. (((((HUGS))))) Hang in there, Mama! I’m sorry it’s been so rough lately.

    I’m lovin’ the haircut. I almost didn’t even recognize Charlie!

  6. Lord girl. Life sure does suck sometimes, doesn’t it? I’m thinking of you (if I was the praying kind, I’d pray, but that’s not my thing).

    Charlie looks uber-cute! LOVE the haircut!

    Sending huge hugs your way, all the way from Canada.

  7. You would not be human if you were not frightened by the possible conseguences of exposure to fifth disease.
    Get strenght from your family, take a deep breath and try to not think to much about things that you can not predict, let alone control. And vent with your readers, if helps.

    Charlie looks so grown up with that haircut :)

    Liseli

    (Sorry for my English, I hope what I wrote makes sense)

  8. First of all, I hope you are feeling a million times better now. Secondly, who is that boy?? He looks so different and so grown up!!! Love it!

  9. Oh my goodness, Charlie really does look like such a big boy with that hair cut. It will grow and get messy and you will love it again. I’m so sad to read about about you and the two babes and the 5ths disease. I hope somehow the big cry helped you release some sadness. I wish I could give you a hug. I will be praying for you and the two peanuts growing inside.

  10. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way!!

    Charlie is a handsome little guy, both before and after his haircut.

  11. *big big hugs*

    Here’s hoping this is just a little bump in te road. We’ll be thinking of you

  12. sending positive vibes your way and a few prayers, too!

  13. Marlene Hunter says:

    He looks darling, I mean handsome, I love the big boy haircut!!!

  14. Marlene Hunter says:

    Crying is okay and good and us woman are pros at it, especially when were prego, and even when our babies are 20, like my daughter Sarah who is in Oxford England for a semester of college, she’ll be back in California April 9th, I miss her so much, she got air sick all the way there and her and her girlfriends went to Paris and she got sick on the plane to Paris and back and that was with medicine, hopefully she’ll never fly away again, but who knows, she’s much more braver then I was at 20. Take Care Bird on the Street and keep writing, I enjoy reading what you write! Marlene

  15. Oh Katy! You poor thing!

  16. Hey, Katy. I read your post earlier this morning but simply didn’t know what to say. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You, your twinkies, and that handsome little man pictured above are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there.

  17. Oh my goodness, he DOES look like a big boy!

    I’m SO sorry honey! I hope you are all feeling better and please know I”m thinking of you all and sending positive vibes.

  18. Katy!! Everyone gets sad sometimes…and sometimes you just have to go all-in, emotions-wise, to really get purged of your anxiety. It is totally okay.
    Being pregnant the second-time around, I felt like a time-bomb; I also felt weirdly more secure, as the statisical likelihood of having random issues the second time seemed more remote than before. Surprise–and not the good kind–so much for statistics, right? :(

    We’re all hoping for the best for you and your family, including the two little boys in there. Just remember, when times get tough–you have a chorus of people–in cyberspace, sure–but REAL PEOPLE who REALLY care about you and your fam, trying our best to lift you up.

    {{{hugs}}}

    ps. HOLY MOLY Charlie looks grown UP! DANG!! And way cute, too!

  19. I love you, and wish I could bring you some Kleenex.

  20. Oh Katy. I am so, so sorry that you faced with this worry. I know you will get through to the other side of this. For now, for what it’s with, I will be thinking of you and your boys.

  21. I don’t blame you one bit for having a pity party. Sometimes a good cry is needed. It done and now let’s move ahead.

    Hugs.

    PS: I miss Charlie’s curls.

  22. I’d love to give you hugs and words of encouragement and tell you that you are in my prayers…but that picture of that big boy with the big-boy haircut is upsetting me in ways that I can’t describe. Who told Charlie that he could grow up so fast?
    Okay. Katy, I am thinking about you and your family and I am praying you recover quickly from this. It’s got to be hard. I cry like that for no reason at all–I am sure I would not be as graceful as you have been in the face of all this sickness and stress. You hang in there and get better.
    Toni

  23. Thinking of you Katy. I hope you are feeling better soon and reassured about how the babies are doing.

    p.s. I think Charlie’s haircut is AWESOME!!

  24. Katy, I am so sorry to hear this! I know it is hard not to let your imagination run wild with the possibilities. Especially when you have been there and done that. I remember reading a blog about a woman that lost her baby. She found out during her pregnancy that it would happen. The day of “THE” ultrasound when she heard the news, her first thought was “God is still God”. That has stuck with me ever since I read that. The things that catch us off guard do not surprise Him. It brings me comfort to remind myself of that. Not sure what you believe, but I figured I would share that with you. Praying for you and your boys.

    By the way, Charlie does look so grown up. And very handsome as always.

  25. Those of us with healthy babies know how lucky we are. We sometimes go to bed terrified b/c we know we have it way too good and we’re just waiting for something awful happen.

    You and all your babies continue to be in my prayers.

  26. I am SO sorry you have to worry about this! Well, don’t “have” to worry, I guess, but who doesn’t? Sending huge hugs and much love and peace of mind to you.
    P.S. DEFINITELY time to get a new, more compassionate ob who will be nice about doing ultrasounds whenever you need them to reassure you!

  27. Well, I am proud of you. And I am completely in love with the Big Boy’s haircut.

  28. thinking of you, honey, and praying the numbers are on your side (novel, huh) and the boys avoid exposure. this is certainly a crummy reason for the increased monitoring you were (justifiably) wanting (or at least that your commentors were wanting!).

  29. I can’t say I know what you are going through. I was anxious with my last pregnancy, because I thought I had been exposed to 5th disease. I wasn’t, but until I got that information I was so nervous.

    I am sorry that you are going through this.

    I will say that is very handsome boy. My son tells me handsome is right and pretty is not. :)

  30. I don’t know what to say other than you all are in my prayers every day. And that I LOVE that picture of Charlie and his big boy hair cut! He is one handsome little guy!

  31. Oh my GOSH, he looks so grown up!

    I think it’s completely healthy and understandable that you had a BIG cry. Personally, I think one needs that every once in awhile to help out the sanity.

  32. Oh Katy ((hugs)) praying for you and the twinkies that is all I can do.
    I feel so helpless sorry you have to go through this but I know it will turn around.

    Eat up your red meat girl eat it up!

    Charlie looks so gorgeous!

  33. Katy,

    Having never been pregnant, I am not sure I can completely relate but I can relate to bad news. I am so glad that you found a high risk doctor that you feel you can trust.

    And boy… when did Charlie grow up on us readers. He is starting to look like a big boy and not the baby that I still was thinking he was. I have that same problem with my kids *sigh*

  34. I’ve been reading since you were in AR, but rarely comment. (I know, I know, shame on the lurker.) But the fabulous picture of Charlie and his big boy haircut drew me out – he’s such a handsome little dude! Sending prayers your way for you and your new little dudes.

  35. OH MY!!! Charlie looks so mature and grown-up!!!
    Take pride in knowing your boy is beautiful and well-loved :)

  36. I’ve read the most recent post so all I have to say is;

    I am completely in LOVE with the Big Boy haircut. He reminds me So. Much. of Owen at that age. So much.