I spend a lot of time making decisions about Charlie’s care. I worry about his doctor’s appointments, therapy goals, his medication list, and even more basic things like if he’s watching too much TV or eating too many processed starches.
When I makes these decisions, I always feel confident–I can list the pros and cons, the cost, the potential rewards versus the potential risks. I feel and sound completely competent.
and then I see someone else’s child do something that mine cannot–walk, talk, read, solve quadratic equations (kidding!), whatever. Really, it doesn’t even matter what the accomplishment is. I get upset.
Have I done the right thing? Am I doing the right things? I question my decisions and there’s just no way to compare my child to another. Cerebral Palsy is such a vague, uncertain term that means very little. I do know that no one has ever looked at Charlie’s brain without being shocked by how bad it looks. I know that I should be happy with all that he can do–that he smiles at me and loves my company, that he can master any DVD player, and that he’s finally beginning to understand social conventions such as eye contact and smiles. I AM happy, but I still question my choices and wonder if I could be doing more.
Will this this feeling ever go away? Will I ever feel satisfied with the decisions I’ve made?
I don’t know.