Damaged

Do you know that right now I have two baby announcements sitting in my in-box? One was born yesterday and the other one will arrive some time today. Both of the e-mails had pictures, which I love, but it also strikes a little cord with me.

All of those “first” pictures show the women in their hospital beds with their babies. You see dads standing nearby and maybe even machines or medical equipment. There’s talk of labor and pushing and epidurals.

I can’t help but wonder if I’m a just a little damaged because I can’t make myself view these moments as happy times. Yes, babies are a good thing–I’m not talking about that. It’s just that for me, the birth process was extremely traumatic. There was no happy running to the hospital, no eager anticipation. Instead we had fear. I actually cried right after I delivered Charlie and they weren’t tears of joy. They didn’t even let me see him–I got a glimpse of a blue-ish foot before they whisked him away. Later, I had my husband go take a picture of him at Children’s Hospital so I could see what he looked like.

So, I want to be happy for people, and I am happy for them. I just can’t help feeling a rock in my stomach as the big day looms near.

I plan on having at least one more child (maybe two), so I don’t know what this means for me. Will I spend my next pregnancy on pins and needles? Will I be able to enjoy it, or will it be nine months of stress? My husband has suggested that maybe it can be a time of healing for the both of us. I sure hope so.

Here’s a picture of me at the end of my pregnancy.

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Comments

  1. Elizabeth says:

    Everyone I know is either pregnant or has just had a baby. It’s like there’s something in the water.

    You certainly can’t be faulted for the way you feel. I hope that when you find yourself ready walk that path again that it will a peaceful one. And Charlie will make an awesome big brother. :)

  2. Live, Love and Laugh says:

    I know how you feel, not because of the whole labor process but because I have 9 friends who are pregnant right now and it hurts when they say “I didn’t know it would happen so fast or we weren’t really trying” When we have been trying for a while and I just had laproscopic surgery 4 wks ago and an HSG procedure today. You are happy for them, but also hurting on the inside too.

    You are an amazing mom to Charlie and like Elizabeth said I hope your next pregnancy is an easy one!

  3. I could share with you so many things, but it would take up your whole comment space.

    My first son was high risk due to pre-eclampsia. I felt the same as you in a lit of ways. I was on bed rest and in and out of the hospital. And then rushed in for an emercency c-section as they lost his heart beat. So I have no pictures of oldest in the hospital room. No pic’s of labor, nurses or any such thing. I also felt a huge hole in my life because I didn’t get to experience labor.

    Our second was a perfect pregnancy. I even went through normal labor. Up until he was born. He wasn’t breathing and was blue. His first apgar was 2. So again I had no pictures in the room.

    Our third was micarried at almost 14 weeks. Just after I told everyone we were pregnant. I was really bitter with a lot of people after this because my friends were pregnant and both of my SIL’s had just had babies less than a year ago.

    Our fourth was going along great until I started to bleed at 13 weeks. We made it through to the end, but hubby was in a car accident that morning. He was in surgery on one floor while I was in labor on another. Our families were going back and forth between us. So once again no pictures.

    But in the end, it doesn’t really matter.

    Every pregnancy is different and wach has it’s ups and downs. I was scared to get pregnant again after each child, but we so wanted to be blessed with more children.

    You are an amazing person and I have seen you grow so much in the last 2+ years. You are a strong, loving mom to a wonderful little boy.

    Sorry this is so long.

  4. White Hot Magik says:

    It is possible you will have perfect subsequent pregnancy. My sister-in-law had the traumatic first and the second two were fine. I think your feelings are normal and hopefully sharing them helps you let them go to God. ; ) I am going to answer your question on my blog in the comments section instead of here. K?

  5. What are you feeling is totally normal. Not that I know exactly what you feel, because I don’t, but it’s even like when friends of mine get married, having been thru a tough divorce it’s hard to watch and really be happy. Even though I am, as you are for your friends having babies, it’s just hard because you remember that time in your life.

    I am sure you will be scared with your next pregnancy, but hopefully you will also be able to enjoy it.

  6. Perfectly normal emotions Katy.

    Mitch and I want to have a child and have never managed to other than one miscarriage. Then you see all these people who make it look so easy. I have faith that your next pregnancy will be perfect, and you will wonder why you worried so. But you will, because you are a mom, and that is now ingrained in who you are.

    Hugs,
    ~Becca

  7. I think your feelings are perfectily normal. Other than that, I have not much to say because no experience with pregnancy. But I think that your next pregnancy will probably be of the pins and needles variety–I mean, how could it not be after what you went through with the first one? But what can you do other than go for it and hope for the best? If the doctors think there’s no reason to believe there’s a risk to your a next baby, all you can do is go through it and deal with those tough emotions when they come.

  8. desperate housewife says:

    Oh honey, I’m sorry this is a fearful thing for you. It makes total sense, of course. I was very nervous when I got pregnant with Eli just two months after miscarrying. It was hard to believe something wouldn’t go wrong, but at least I could breathe easy after the first trimester. Your situation is much harder, I understand.
    I sure hope your next go-round with baby having is much more peaceful and free from drama!

  9. I would tend to think along the same lines as your husband, although I could totally understand why you feel the way you do.

  10. Karla E says:

    Just wanted to let you know I am here and thinking about you. Love & miss ya! hopefully we’ll have our get-together very soon!

  11. Rural Felicity says:

    I had three children with relatively “normal” births, etc. G was number four, and I still get a little kick in the gut when I see pictures of babies with no tubes, no scars. I am so happy for them, but I think there will always be this little part of me that mourns a little bit the loss of that. I’m happy and thankful for what I have, but that little question of “why my baby” always does a bit of resurface despite feeling quite like I’ve worked through that.

    I think another pregnancy will be tough for you. But amazing and worth it. :)

  12. We by-passed fertility treatments and went straight to adoption. We were blessed with a beautiful, amazing, healthy son who joined our family as a newborn. I don’t yearn for pregnancy, but my heart clenches when people ask me about my pregnancy and birth stories.
    I don’t regret our choice nor our path, but I sometimes wish with all my might I had carried my little man… tho I know things wouldn’t be the same.

    Sorry for the long winded story, just wanted to say I kinda-sorta get how you feel. Hugs to you.

  13. Princess Abigail in France.... says:

    If its any comfort, you are very, very beautiful.
    My Mama wishes she could have looked like that during her pregnancies.
    She has the same views – and some similar experiences – about pregnancy and child birth and all that – she bellyaches often about the fact that she was always pregnant from HEAD TO FOOT, and never just around the belly. You look fabulous in this piccie.

  14. Nadine Hightower says:

    I am glad you are talking about more children. I don’t think I would have the strength to try again. I know my personality well enough to know I couldn’t do it.
    I admire your strength.

    Hugs!

  15. Small Town Girl says:

    I can only imagine that you’d be pretty nervous during your next pregnancy, probably more and more so as you get closer to your due date. The only thing you can do, though, is be as positive as possible and pray for things to go right.

  16. Little Dings Mama says:

    Hi Katy –
    My first child was in the NICU after he was born and I felt exactly the way you described on your blog. Just a little message of hope – I just delivered my second child, a little girl, and everything was fine this time. I hope the same for you!

    Little dings’ mama

  17. Oh MY GOSH!!!! YOU HAD ANOTHER BABY
    ???? Seriously, people leave me messages and think I don’t remember, but I do!!!! Lil Ding’s Mama, you are one of the people who sent me happy stories while Charlie was the hospital. Congratulations on your latest addition. Are you staying home full-time now? I know that was a dream of yours in the past, but things change. So excited for you guys!!!

  18. I can totally relate. I still get nervous when friends tell me they are pregnant, their ultrasounds were normal, etc. I’m also a little sad when they end up with healthy babies because I’d love someone close to share the experience with.

    Emmaline is supposedly our last baby (she’s #3 and was born with Down syndrome), but I feel jipped (sp?) out of a good “last” hospital experience. Labor and delivery were great, but an hour after she was born and we were given her diagnosis, things went down hill. I cried a lot and hated seeing her in the NICU attached to all those wires. And because it was RSV season, our other kids couldn’t even see her. I feel like I need to have another baby just so I can get it right. I’m not ready to have one yet, but I don’t want to close the door completely. You’ll know when the timing is right for your family and Charlie will love having siblings to model after. Good luck in your decision!